I have taken a break from interviews on Software Engineering Daily. I’ll be returning to host the show this year, and want to make a post about why I needed some rest.
The last two years have been extremely difficult for me and I have not responded well to it. After getting COVID in March 2020, my brain seemed to shut down, and I was unable to think positive thoughts. I was convinced that I was a complete failure and that my life and career were over. My mental processing and speech became messed up. None of this made sense, as the podcast was doing great, and my life was developing in an objectively great direction.
As COVID lockdown progressed, things got worse. I developed severe depression, and the isolation felt unbearable. I changed up my habits, but nothing was giving me relief, and I started having unstoppably self-critical thoughts. These thoughts eventually led to paranoia. I became paranoid of everything and everyone around me, from tech companies to friends I have known for decades. I was isolated and consumed by work and social media, and my mind went to a dark place despite my best efforts to pull out.
In the six years building Software Engineering Daily, I have tried hard to cover engineers, investors, and companies in a way that puts them in their best light. I have mostly tried not to be controversial, and stuck to discussing engineering and the software industry. During this pandemic, the podcast took a negative turn.
If you were following the show during 2021, you might have wondered why my interviewing style became less focused and more rambling. It became less technical and more hostile. This wasn’t a deliberate decision, and it wasn’t performance art. That’s just not how I have built my show over six years. People don’t tune in to hear an opinion piece, they tune in to hear from experts about new technologies.
I have had some demons of depression in my past, but was able to deal with them through diet, exercise, and socialization. During the pandemic, my strategies for dealing with negative emotions did not work, and I eventually became unable to podcast. I was also unable to use social media or talk to people effectively. Many people I interacted with got confused or offended, because I was saying things that simply didn’t make sense.
Today I’m doing better, and will be podcasting on Software Engineering Daily again in the new year. I was not myself last year, and hope you can understand that. If people want to know more, I’m happy to discuss it. My breakdown was public, so I might as well use it as an opportunity to talk about the psychological side of our industry. I’m planning at least one more episode to talk about these things in greater detail.
The isolation of this pandemic has been hard for many people, and I want to reconnect with listeners to hear what they are working on and what they would like to hear more about. Also, if I can help someone going through similarly hard times I hope I can be helpful. If you want to connect with me directly, I’d love to hear from you. You can message me on our Slack channel at softwareengineeringdaily.com/slack. You can also send me an email: jeff@softwareengineeringdaily.com.
Lastly: I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I don’t want to blame this breakdown on my genetics, I don’t blame it on my upbringing, and I don’t blame it on COVID. I blame it on myself. Difficult things happen, and I’m sorry that I failed to compensate. We all must adjust to our problems. I have seen many people deal with twice as much hardship, and show much more grace–so I have no excuse here.
I do take responsibility for this breakdown. So, once again, I’m sorry.
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